Totalnannies brings you a new series of three articles from toy manufacturer VTech’s clinical psychologist Angharad Rudkin. In this first piece Dr Rudkin explains how being sociable comes naturally to kids and how those who care for them can help them develop peer relationships
Babies are born to socialise. From the moment of birth they prefer human faces rather than drawings of faces and they turn towards their mother’s voice, suggesting that they are innately wired to be with other people. As children become toddlers they use this innate sociability to make connections with others. Learning how to make friends is one of life’s most important skills, and it is one that develops very early on. There are some important things we can do as adults to help our pre-schoolers have a positive experience of making friends.
First, we have to understand that pre-school children do not think in the way that older children do. Their brains are still developing rapidly, and so they see things differently. For example, pre-school children will find it very hard to take on another person’s perspective. This is called egocentrism, and it means that it can be hard for little children to understand why other children don’t want to play a game their way or play with a certain toy right now. Because of this, pre-school children often spend a lot of time playing on their own or engaged in parallel play – playing alongside, not with a friend. This does not mean that the child is unsociable or has some difficulties in socialising. even when they are playing alone, children can still learn about socialising.
For example, play sets such as the VTech Toot-Toot Friends allow children to learn about social skills such as turn taking and communicating. They are just being small children who can only take short bursts of playing together before needing some time alone.
Children are born with different temperaments. Often, these temperaments are reflections of their parents. So, for example a confident, chatty mum is more likely to have a confident, chatty child. When this is the case, it is relatively straightforward for a mum to support their child in making friends, because they do it in a similar way. It can be less straightforward however when a confident, chatty mum has a quiet, shy child. It is harder for the mother to know how to guide her child, as the strategies she uses will not be the same as the ones she uses as the ones her child will benefit from. It is particularly important in this case for [adults] to accept the child for who he is (even if they do feel quite frustrated by the child’s shyness) and to get support and advice from the other parent, nanny or family members and friends.
If a child is quiet and observant, particular care is needed in introducing them into new social settings. Expect them to want to sit on your knee and hold on to you for the first few times. Stay positive and encourage them to join in. If they don’t want to join in, remain interested. As the child settles, the will be happier to move away from you and play with other children, and once they have built up some frienships in the setting, the will feel far more comfortable.
Regular and predictable play sessions are important. Quiet children are often attracted to more confident louder children as they can be taken charge of, and these children find it easier to join a game in a passive role initially. Confident children who are natural leaders can play with other confident leaders, but expect quite a few power struggles during these games, as both children try at take the dominant position.
The majority of learning at this age occurs through watching and imitation. So it is very important positive friendships are modelled to a child from the very start. If a child’s mother, for example finds it hard to make friends, it can be difficult for her to build up a network of mum friends around her. Letting the families you work with know that this gets easier with practice and it means their child is also earning a valuable lesson may help them. Not only does it mean that the mother has a supportive network but it also means their child is learning an important lesson too. Children who grow up seeing their parents have positive friendships that – even if they are going through a rough patch – involve time together having fun and caring are more likely to build up those positive friendships themselves.
If you are a nanny, for example, and arranging time for your young charges to spend with their friends, remember to keep it short. Small children get tired very quickly, and it is much nicer to end a playdate on a high than wait until both children have melted into sobbing heaps. Finally, don’t expect the path towards friendship to run smoothly. There are a lot of mistakes to be made, and these are necessary for children to grow into adults who know what to do and what not do when it comes to making friends. Even very good pre-school friends will frequently squabble and fight. Your refereeing will help children to learn the essential skills of turn taking and negotiating.
Angharad Rudking has teamed cup with VTech to support the launch of its new fun and interactive range, Toot-Toot Friends. More information is at www.vtech.co.uk
VTech® is a pioneer in the learning-toy category with its range of age-appropriate and developmental stage-based electronic learning products for children. The company develops high-quality, innovative educational products that enrich children’s development and make learning fun. With a rich almost 35-year history, VTech has not only established itself as a learning authority but also consistently remains at the forefront of innovation with multiple ward-winning products.
About Angharad Rudkin
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist and Associate Fellow of the British Psycholgoical Society and has worked with children, adolescents and families for over 15 years. She teaches Clinical Child Psychology at the University fo Southampton and has also appeared on television and radio as an expert on child and family issues.
